Advocating for yourself as a woman in the workplace can feel like walking a tightrope. On the one hand, you know you deserve that raise, promotion, or flexible arrangement you’ve been considering. On the other, you worry: Will I be seen as aggressive, ungrateful, or “not a team player” if I push for what I need? This dilemma is often rooted in the “Nice Girl” myth the outdated idea that women must be agreeable, accommodating, and “nice” at all times to be likeable. From a young age, many of us are socially conditioned to avoid coming across as too demanding or outspoken. But here’s the truth: being assertive and advocating for yourself does not make you “not nice.” You can be kind and respectful while still standing up for your worth and needs. It’s time to break that myth wide open.
The Double Bind: Why Women Feel Guilty for Speaking Up
One reason self-advocacy feels fraught for women is the well-documented double bind in workplace expectations. We expect men to be assertive and lead when they speak up for themselves, it feels natural. We expect women to be kind and communal so when women assert themselves, people tend to like them less . This is known as likeability bias. In other words, behaviour that’s seen as confident in a man might be seen as pushy in a woman. No wonder many women feel a twinge of guilt or anxiety when they contemplate asking for more! Research shows women are often viewed negatively for displaying the same assertiveness that’s admired in men (speaking up, negotiating, taking charge) . We’ve also been taught to downplay our success for fear of seeming “full of ourselves” which can make self-advocacy uncomfortable. In fact, women are often judged harshly for openly acknowledging their accomplishments, leading to discomfort around self-promotion and advocating for themselves .
This cultural conditioning has real impacts: women hesitate to negotiate or voice their needs, sometimes to their own detriment. Studies (even as far back as 2003) found that men are significantly more likely than women to negotiate for what they want – one famous study showed only 7% of women negotiated their initial salary offer, whereas a majority of men did . If you never ask, you (almost) never get. Over time, that can contribute to lower pay, missed opportunities, and simmering frustration. So if you’ve been holding back from asking for something at work – whether it’s a pay increase, a promotion, or simply credit for your contributions – remind yourself that advocating for yourself is both justified and necessary. You have every right to ask for what you deserve, and doing so isn’t selfish or “unladylike” – it’s smart career management.
Redefine “Nice” – You Can Be Pleasant and
Assertive
Breaking the Nice Girl myth doesn’t mean you need to adopt an aggressive persona or stop being the considerate person you are. It means redefining what “nice” actually looks like at work. You can remain courteous, collaborative, and respectful while firmly standing your ground. In fact, the myth of the nice girl (as author Fran Hauser calls it) is that being nice and being strong are mutually exclusive – they’re not. You can say no to an unrealistic request without being rude. You can negotiate a higher salary without turning into a mercenary caricature. It all comes down to communication and mindset.
Start by dropping apologetic language that undermines your position. There’s no need to say “I’m sorry, but I was wondering if maybe I could possibly get Friday off…” when a simple, polite assertion will do: “I’d like to take next Friday off; I have some personal matters to attend to. I’ve ensured my tasks are covered.” Likewise, replace self-deprecating phrases (“I’m no expert, but…”) with confident ones (“Based on my experience, I recommend…”). Being direct doesn’t equate to being impolite – it shows you respect both your time and others’. Often, women preface requests with excessive justifications or apologies to seem “nice.” Challenge yourself to communicate your needs without unnecessary qualifiers. You’ll likely find people respond with far less resistance than you feared.
Remember, nice does not mean submissive. True niceness or professionalism, really is treating others with respect, and expecting respect in return. It’s entirely possible (and healthy) to set boundaries and still be regarded as a team player. For example, if you consistently get handed extra work because you’re “so helpful,” it’s okay to speak up and redistribute the load. You might say, “I’m happy to help the team, but I need to balance my current projects. Let’s discuss what can be re-prioritised.” You’re being cooperative in finding a solution, but not a doormat. Advocating for yourself can be a win-win: when your needs are met, you’re in a better position to perform well and support others, too.
Practical Strategies to Advocate for Yourself (Minus the Guilt)
How exactly can you start asserting yourself at work in a positive way? Here are some strategies to try:
Prepare Your Facts and Evidence: If you’re going to negotiate or request something significant (a salary increase, promotion, or new arrangement), do your homework. Know the market salary for your role, have a list of your key accomplishments, and be ready to articulate the value you’ve brought to the organisation. It’s much easier to feel confident (and for others to say yes) when you present a factual case. For instance, if you led a project that increased sales by 10%, mention that. Concrete results speak loudly.
Use “I” Statements and Be Direct: Frame your request around yourself, not in a way that blames others. For example, “I would like the opportunity to take on X responsibility” or “I need clarity on our team’s priorities so I can manage my workload effectively.” Being clear and direct is not the same as being combative – it actually makes the conversation easier for everyone. Managers aren’t mind readers; sometimes they won’t know you’re unhappy with a situation or ready for more until you spell it out.
Practice, Then Practice Some More: If asserting yourself is new or nerve-wracking, practice what you want to say beforehand. You can do this in front of a mirror, or even better, role-play with a trusted friend or mentor. Getting the words out of your mouth a few times will reduce your anxiety when the real moment comes. You’ll also refine your phrasing to be more natural. Having a mentor or another woman at work as a sounding board can provide encouragement and feedback – they might even share how they navigated similar conversations.
Start Small – Say No or Voice Your Opinion in Low-Stakes Situations: Advocacy isn’t only about big asks like promotions. It’s also in daily interactions. Challenge yourself to voice your opinion in a meeting where you’d normally stay quiet, or to say no to a minor request when you’re at capacity. These small acts of asserting boundaries build your “advocacy muscle.” Each successful experience – e.g. you said no, and the world didn’t end – reinforces that it’s okay. Over time, you’ll tackle bigger asks with less guilt.
Reframe the Narrative in Your Head: Instead of thinking “I’m causing trouble by asking for this,” replace that thought with “I’m solving a problem or improving things by asking for this.” Often, advocating for yourself also highlights ways to make your team or workplace function better. For example, requesting clarity from your boss on your role not only helps you, it can help the whole team avoid confusion. Negotiating a fair salary isn’t just for your bank account – it helps close the pay gap and sets a precedent that benefits other women too. When you approach self-advocacy as a constructive action, the guilt diminishes.
Anticipate Reactions and Plan Responses: Sometimes women fear backlash or being labeled “difficult.” Truth is, you can’t control how everyone will react, but you can prepare. Think through possible objections and how you’ll respond calmly. If you ask for a raise and your boss brings up a budget constraint, you could respond with a discussion of options (maybe a six-month review or additional perks). If someone questions your idea in a meeting (perhaps with that tone implying you’re being pushy), focus on the merit of the idea: “I hear your concerns. Let me clarify why I think this approach will benefit the project…” By staying solution-focused and unemotional, you’ll handle pushback with grace.
Embrace Confidence, Ditch the Guilt
Ultimately, breaking the “nice girl” myth comes down to embracing confidence in your own worth. Remind yourself that it’s not “mean” to stand up for yourself - it’s necessary. You’re not demanding special treatment; you’re seeking equitable treatment. Try to let go of the worry about labels. As the saying goes, “Well-behaved women seldom make history” – while you don’t have to be “ill-behaved,” it’s okay not to please everyone. In fact, the more you practice advocating for yourself, the more you’ll find that most reasonable employers and colleagues will respect you for it (and if they truly don’t, that’s a red flag about the workplace, not about you).
Also, consider the flip side: by not speaking up, you could be shortchanging yourself and even burning out or growing resentful. It’s better for both you and your workplace that you have honest conversations about what you need to thrive. Many women who have pushed past the guilt and negotiated for themselves report that it gets easier each time – and that the anticipated backlash often never materialises. Your boss might actually say “Sure, let’s discuss” instead of “How dare you ask!”
Bottom line: You can be a good colleague and confidently advocate for yourself. In fact, showing self-respect teaches others how to treat you. When you challenge the “nice girl” myth by speaking up – without guilt and without losing your kindness – you’re not just helping yourself. You’re also helping to slowly change those biased expectations, making it a little easier for the women coming up behind you. And there’s nothing “not nice” about that, is there?